Pitch Critiques #5 & #6

            It’s time for our last set of pitch critiques. Hopefully they help everyone. Please remember that this is very subjective, as is pretty much everything within the writing world.

            Without further ado, let’s get to it.

            Critique #5

Two teenagers on opposite sides of a magical war must find and kill each other to bring it to an end. 

This is a very interesting beginning. Not only is it the best part of your pitch, but it’s really your whole pitch in a nutshell.

Arianna finds Shane without realizing who he is, and she’s falling in love with the nemesis she has been hunting her entire life. Until he tries to kill her. Now they each have a choice – follow their hearts or follow their destiny.

The problem with the rest of this is that it’s telling me the same thing as your first sentence. I would have been more interested if it told me why the war would end if one of them kills the other. Then maybe a bit about how they begin to fall for each other.

Speaking of how they fall for each other, that’s a bit confusing to me. Does Shane know who Arianna is before he tries to kill her? If so, does he fall for her before or after he tries to kill her? These are vital issues that could help this premise really hit home.

Critique #6

As a Pure, sixteen-year-old Alphi McClure is told she can't befriend the dark Grey species, but when one small child in the underwater village breaks into her heart, Alphi will do anything to protect him -- even attack the village's Pure leader.  Desperate for the open-mindedness of a larger civilization, Alphi flees to her uncle’s magical city, but when he turns his wand on a defenseless Grey, Alphi has no place to turn -- until the Grey rebels attack her uncle; and when they do, she joins them. Fighting alongside the rebels is like a breath of fresh water, until her own mother joins the opposing side. Alphi scream for peace, but peace is no longer an option; war will come, and when it does, she will have to meet the bloodshed head on.

I’ll be frank here. This could have been a rockin pitch, but by time I finished reading the whole thing I felt like I had mental asthma. The whole thing is riddled with commas, semicolons, and dashes. Typically we use these to combine alike sentences and or allow the reader a small pause. In fact I use dashes myself for that all important dramatic effect.

What this tells me is that the writer has what I call Mini Synopsis Syndrome (MSS). Basically they’re too close to their story to see the basic premise.

Now before anyone starts grumbling about this, here’s an example of how this could read as a pitch:

Alphie is a Pure and has been taught her whole life to hate and distrust the Greys. After rescuing a small child that turns out to be a Grey, Alphie does what she can to protect him. However the cost of that secret turns deadly and Alphie will have to hurt those she’s grown to love in order to save the child she just met.

Is it perfect? Hell no, and I probably got a lot of things wrong about the premise of the story. However I hope this does show everyone something. Simpler is usually better when it comes to pitches. Not only does complex exhaust readers mentally, but it can also give the wrong idea of your story.

Auzy

Pitch Critique 3 & 4

Hi, all! It's my turn to crit some pitches and here are our lovely volunteers. Up first we have, Relic:


Eighteen-year-old Princess Far is a Relic, someone who has visions from their past lives. In Aether, her so-called demonic abilities would constitute execution if her secret were exposed. When a dark group of magi pushes her kingdom into the world war, Far realizes she is the only one who knows the magi’s secret. But they also know hers. She must decide to stay quiet at the expense of thousands of lives or speak up at the expense of her own.


I like the first sentence. It's the second that I get hung on--this is a demonic ability? She's a demonic princess? I'm not sure if that's accurate but that's what I'm getting. I'm also not sure how she came by these deadly abilities as she is a princess. 
The dark magi push her kingdom into world war...how? As a princess, doesn't she have some control over the nation's politics? I know it's a short pitch, but referencing secrets that Far knows that no one else does--maybe tell us what the secret is? I do like the last sentence--I like the succinctness of your stated stakes. 
The only thing that I'd like to see more of is Far's personality. As is, we don't get much of that, and I think she'd have to be a complex character juggling her royalty with the demonic abilities. Show us that. :)




Okay, our second pitch! 


 Charley is a fifteen-year-old “one date wonder."   Plenty of boys like her, and she likes them, too, until they get too close.  Stricken by her parents’ bitter divorce, Charley won’t let anyone past her flirtatious, wisecracking exterior...except her best friend, Cat, so when Cat needs help from hundreds of miles away, she calls Charley.   Charley rallies friends, old and new, for a road trip rescue, but the journey leads them somewhere altogether different.  Forced to face her fears, her flaws, and her friends in the confining space of a station wagon, Charley cannot make her usual escape.


This first sentence pulls me right in. I also love the glimpses of Charley's personality. I'm not sure what the driving force is though--I want to know what Cat needs, and why Charley from so far away. I do like the stakes, but I think they could be more clearly stated--what her fears and flaws are. As it is, it's slightly vague. Give us more stakes and I think you have a solid pitch here. Good luck! 




As you all know, this is a subjective business. The thoughts here are my personal ones, and you can use or discard at your discretion. And thank you, ladies, for being brave enough to volunteer for this! :) 


N~

Pitch Critiques 1 & 2

First off I'd like to thank everyone for their submissions. We're by no means experts on the subject but after seeing a good amount of these with our contests, helping fellow writers with their queries and pitches, and writing our own, we feel we can give some helpful advice.

Thank you Kelsey for allowing us to critique this! :)

Genre: Adult Literary Fiction

Title: The Looking-Glass House

Pitch: THE LOOKING-GLASS HOUSE takes place over a nine month period in 1964 in Cline, Texas.  The main character, a young woman training for the sisterhood in a Catholic home for unwed mothers, gets caught in a web of corruption while investigating the local disappearances of young black men.  The danger is heightened by her teaming up with the sheriff’s son, a young man whose infatuation with her turns to rage when he discovers her secret: a love affair with one of the pregnant teenage girls.

I chose this one for a reason. It sounds a bit more like the detailed synopsis. A pitch needs to be sharp and punchy. Depending upon the genre of your novel, say chic lit, it can be funny and punchy. If it's a horror then creepy and punchy.

Although I will say that last line definitely holds an edge of punch. But who is this main character? Give me some characteristic about this woman that would lead me to believe she'd have an affair with one of the pregnant teenage girls? Here are my questions. How important is it that she's investigating? How does she get involved in this? It sounds like she's training to be a nun, not many tend to be sleuths so what sets this woman a part?

Also the first sentence can be completely omitted. It takes up a precious sentence that could be used to give a reader insight into who this character truly is. So my main tidbit is show us WHO this woman is. Also, her name would be quite nice :)

Thank you again Kelsey & I hope this proves helpful.

Our next critique is for Noel Hoffman. Thank you for submitting your pitch! :)

When it came time for the Serendipity Neighborhood Association to address the old, decrepit sign that hung at the entrance to their woods, it really wasn't surprising that they couldn't get anyone to take it down.  Because the south always carries their superstitions deep and the residents of New Serendipity were no exception.  So, after many days of fierce deliberation, and in light of all the strange occurrences that had happened in their town over the years, the highly conservative, mostly Republican, uptight, stodgy members of the new Serendipity Neighborhood Association elected to keep the sign up…just in case. 

This feels literary in nature, which granted isn't a bad thing, but it shows me the one thing that deters me from picking up most literary fiction. I don't see the plot. Is the book truly about the removal of a sign? Do we follow any specific main characters? (I will admit that this is a definitely a unique approach, but sounds more like a piece of flash fiction in and of itself). 

These are only questions you can answer. What is the main conflict of your novel? Is it really the removal of the sign? Who will the reader be following or are there multiple main characters?

I will add that the last line "...the highly conservative, mostly Republican, uptight, stodgy members..." <--I think you can cut about two of those words etc used to describe these ppl. We get the idea.
 

Just as I mentioned in the above crit, give us a taste of who we as readers will be following.

I hope this helps and thank you again to those who submitted.

We will be critiquing more every day this week!

~Liz

Pitch Critique--Call for Subs!

Hey all!

So after our pitch contest this past week we thought it would be a great idea to critique some pitches (3-5 sentences!) and show people why some worked and why some didn't.

Thing is, we would love submissions to critique. SO if you'd love a constructive critique on your pitch feel free to submit your pitches via our email:

writerlyrejects (at) gmail (dot) com

**Note that these will be posted on the blog as an example to others. Not all will be selected, but a few will be used**

Thanks guys!

~Liz