Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Pitch Critique 3 & 4

Hi, all! It's my turn to crit some pitches and here are our lovely volunteers. Up first we have, Relic:

Eighteen-year-old Princess Far is a Relic, someone who has visions from their past lives. In Aether, her so-called demonic abilities would constitute execution if her secret were exposed. When a dark group of magi pushes her kingdom into the world war, Far realizes she is the only one who knows the magi’s secret. But they also know hers. She must decide to stay quiet at the expense of thousands of lives or speak up at the expense of her own.

I like the first sentence. It's the second that I get hung on--this is a demonic ability? She's a demonic princess? I'm not sure if that's accurate but that's what I'm getting. I'm also not sure how she came by these deadly abilities as she is a princess. 
The dark magi push her kingdom into world As a princess, doesn't she have some control over the nation's politics? I know it's a short pitch, but referencing secrets that Far knows that no one else does--maybe tell us what the secret is? I do like the last sentence--I like the succinctness of your stated stakes. 
The only thing that I'd like to see more of is Far's personality. As is, we don't get much of that, and I think she'd have to be a complex character juggling her royalty with the demonic abilities. Show us that. :)

Okay, our second pitch! 

 Charley is a fifteen-year-old “one date wonder."   Plenty of boys like her, and she likes them, too, until they get too close.  Stricken by her parents’ bitter divorce, Charley won’t let anyone past her flirtatious, wisecracking exterior...except her best friend, Cat, so when Cat needs help from hundreds of miles away, she calls Charley.   Charley rallies friends, old and new, for a road trip rescue, but the journey leads them somewhere altogether different.  Forced to face her fears, her flaws, and her friends in the confining space of a station wagon, Charley cannot make her usual escape.

This first sentence pulls me right in. I also love the glimpses of Charley's personality. I'm not sure what the driving force is though--I want to know what Cat needs, and why Charley from so far away. I do like the stakes, but I think they could be more clearly stated--what her fears and flaws are. As it is, it's slightly vague. Give us more stakes and I think you have a solid pitch here. Good luck! 

As you all know, this is a subjective business. The thoughts here are my personal ones, and you can use or discard at your discretion. And thank you, ladies, for being brave enough to volunteer for this! :) 


1 comment:

  1. Great critique! Have to start with a powerful first sentence.