I can’t
tell you how many times I’ve wondered exactly what an agent thinks when they
read my queries. Is it intriguing enough? Does it compel the agent to request the
full manuscript? And please, pretty please God with a cherry on top, please don’t
let it come of corny and unoriginal. I’m sure I’m the only one to think this, right
;)
Sure you
can go to one of those stereotypical critique sites like Query Shark or Query Dice. They’re great if you want to see how a professional agent digs right into
the heart and soul of the query, rips out its guts, and spews out all the
disgusting and indigestible little bits. It really can’t hurt.
But before
you get a toothy little grin forming on that sweet lil face of yours, do yourself
a favor and check out Slush Pile Hell. This place is the holy grail of
inner agent thoughts.
Not sure.
Try this little taste of Hell.
Q: Dear Agent, I
recently finished a story that can only be described as unique.
SPH: Can’t wait
to pitch this one to editors: “Hey, girl. I’ve got a hot one for you. What?
Describe it? Well, I can only describe it as unique. Yep, that’s right…unique.
What else? Uh, well, did I mention it’s unique? Uniquely unique? (click) Hello?
Hello?”
Q: Look, I have
two international best sellers on my hands, you can trust me and and make lots
of money or not trust me and miss out on making your career, either way, I’ve
got the best seller.
SPH: Tough
choice. Option A: trust you, make lots of money. Option B: not trust you, miss
out on making my career. I’m going to choose Option C: suggest that you contact
Kanye West—he wants his ego back. Oh, and learn some punctuation.
And one of my
personal favorites
Q: Dear
Sir/Madam…
SPH: Though
I’m a man and thus enjoy monster truck rallies and scratching myself, I am so
pleased that someone is finally affirming my softer, feminine side. Thank you
for making my day, kind author.
Ah,
makes me smirk just reading these ones again. Still, as entertaining as it is,
it’s still a great learning site. Think of it as a negative reinforcement
reason to avoid common sense mistakes….and avoid ever having a bit of your query
featured on the site.
Auzy
