Name: Kate Brauning
Title: THE OTHER SIDE OF SILENCE
Genre: Adult fantasy
Tagline: Shadow & Bone meets American Gods: Non-magical Ava must escape the god of war or be an unwilling diplomat in his Middle Eastern takeover. Marry him and live with guilt, or escape- risking her friends’ death?
1st 250 Words:
After the war, the neighbors would whisper, “We saw how it
started, you know- we were there when she was born.” The mother- a charming woman, really- had
loved entertaining. But then came the child, and after that, the wasting illness.
When the illness left, it took the woman with it, leaving the child- a girl
named Ava- the motherless daughter of a red-faced, small-eyed man.
That man never should have had a child. The neighbors all
knew it. When they stopped by to say how
sorry they were about the mother’s death, he wouldn’t answer the door, nor
would he return their phone calls. Most unforgivably, he left the casseroles on
the steps until the wild cats ate them. No one was surprised when Ava was sent
to live with her mother’s parents.
For a while, the neighbors forgot about her. But one summer
evening, six years after the toddler left, a Toyota sputtered to a halt near
the house.
Ava had been sent back to her father. Her grandparents had
died now, too. The girl wasn’t crying, wasn’t screaming. She simply held on to
her seatbelt and refused to get out of the car. She clutched a picture frame.
The neighbors saw leaves swirling in summer dust devils
around the car. They saw the father jerk the single suitcase out of the back
seat. They didn’t see the tall woman in white standing by the street lamp,
watching as the child refused to budge. Her father didn’t see the woman, and
neither did the social worker.
I would suggest making your opening line more concise and attention grabbing by simply saying, After the war, the neighbors would whisper, "We were there when she was born."
ReplyDeleteYour first 250 has quite a bit of back story. Maybe condense and make the sentences more concise so you can get the backstory out quicker and move on to describing your MC and the world that is going on right now.
So far, this world seems non-fantasy, but your book is Adult Fantasy. I'm also confused about the tagline, even though it does perk my interest.
I agree with Natasha above--the tagline is definitely interesting, as is the premise! Shaodw and Bone and American Gods? Wow! What a cool mashup!
ReplyDeleteI do think the tagline might benefit from being reworked into a more concise sentence or two. As it reads now, it's somewhat disconnected. Perhaps something like, "In an adult fantasy where Shadow & Bone is woven together with American Gods, non-magical Ava faces two choices--each with terrible consequence: escape the god of war and risk her friends' deaths, or marry him and be an unwilling diplomat in his Middle East takeover."
Just a suggested example. :) Obviously it would sound much better in your own voice.
I love the tagline! It's such a cool concept.
ReplyDeleteYour 250 words is all backstory! I want to be in the action! Though it is well-written and interesting, I think your story would improve if you were to start where the story truly begins.
Good luck!
I liked the tagline - very neat. I also absolutely adored the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I saw was in the first paragraph, the word "child" is used a lot. "But then came the child, and after that, the wasting illness. When the illness left, it took the woman with it, leaving the child- a girl named Ava- the motherless daughter of a red-faced, small-eyed man." You could make it more concise saying, "But then came the child - a girl named Ava, and after that..."
Otherwise it sounds amazing!