Monday, September 10, 2012

Entry #27

Name:  HollyD
Title:  Death by High Heels
Genre:  Women's Fiction/Mystery
Tagline:  When Kimberly Murphy is caught standing over a dead body again, hot homicide detective Grant Tompkins is determined to put her in handcuffs - and not the pink, fuzzy kind.

First 250 words:

Cops hate it when you vomit all over their crime scene – a mistake I had no desire to repeat. Then again, the fact that I’d just trampled all over this scene was probably a whole new mistake I should have avoided.  I stared at the corpse and fought the urge to hurl. If only I hadn’t answered the door, I’d be eating dinner instead of standing in my neighbor’s apartment looking at a dead guy.

I’d seen plenty of weird things but this had to be one of the weirdest. The guy was just sitting there in the chair. Looking at him you would think he was asleep – if not for all the blood and his guts spilled onto his lap. I tore my eyes from him and asked my annoying neighbor the question I most wanted the answer to.

“What the hell did you hit him with?”

Lindsay dropped the strand of blonde hair she’d been twirling and glanced down at the floor.  “My shoe.”

“Damn it, Lindsay, you can’t kill someone with a shoe!”

“Hello, they’re Via Spiga.”

“Ugh.”  I glared. There was no way in hell she had done this kind of damage with a shoe.  If she had, women would soon be saying goodbye to their much-beloved accessory.  Men-even NRA members- would insist on an instant ban of the deadly yet sexy weapon.

I set my hands on my hips. “Any idea how he got this giant hole in his stomach?”


  1. I love it! Fantastic voice, it drew me in immediately. Your MC is great, her personality shines even in just the first 250.

    Small itty-bitty...don't know that I love the "ugh." (not sure...don't know what else to put there, "ugh's" just always look odd to me.)

    Also...I'd shorten up your tagline. Your writing is sharp and snappy...make the tagline the same.

    Really nice job!

  2. Love the voice in this! Great title too.

  3. Wow. I love this, everything about it. Good job.

  4. Oh, this sounds AWESOME! I love it and it's not something I'd normally read so that's really saying something.

    The voice was stellar. There were bits of humor in there that had me smiling/laughing out loud. And the tagline is perfect. That's a great pitch! I'd say you're well on your way to getting so agent interest, if you haven't already.

    The only thing I'd change was the sentence after "ugh". I see Jodie's point about "ugh" (in her comment above). I personally don't mind that word, but I don't think it matches the word "glared" in the next sentence. That's being nit-pciky so you can ignore me if you like. I just think that "ugh" is something hat expresses exasperation, whereas glaring expresses anger, so the two don't really add up. But, like I said, that's just being nit-picky and *looking* for something to give constructive criticism on. AIt's really not a big deal, everything else was fantastic.

    Best of luck!

  5. I love everything about this. Light, funny, compelling. I love the voice. I'd totally read this!

    (from Laurie, entrant #13)

  6. I love women's fiction, and this is great. I'm intrigued by the "again" part of the standing over the dead body. I really like the MC so far, as well. I'd like to read more!

    Leslie (#2)

  7. I love this voice! A tiny thing, I'd cut out "hot" in your tagline to avoid the double H. I'd love to see where this goes.

  8. Wow!!! Just wow! I will start off by saying that I normally do not read this genre. I tend to avoid anything "woman" targeted. But your tagline roped me in and held me right through your first 250 words. Your voice is raw yet so fresh. I got a chuckle at the Via Spiga line, and it left me wanting to read more. So many questions! How the heck did she do all that damage with a shoe?? And why is the MC so non-nonchalant about all this? There is a dead dude sitting there! And they are talking about shoes! Awesome. Funny. Well done.

    Ella (#21)

  9. What a fabulous voice! Great job! Only due to my own lack of fashion sense, I didn't know what Via Spiga was, LOL!

  10. I don't usually read adult fiction, but this one grabbed me. I want to read more ASAP:) Seriously, the voice is great, the characters, I can see them already, and the opening lines-you hooked me. I like to give some constructive criticism, but I don't have any. You are on your way to being agented.

  11. I don't read a lot of women'd fiction, but your tagline hooked me right away. My only question is this: Is the person who opened the door to the murderous neighbor the cop? At first I thought it was just some neighbor, because of the reaction to the body and trampling on the crime scene, but then it seemed it was the cop.