Monday, September 10, 2012

Entry #11

Name: Seabrooke Nancy
Genre: YA Light Sci-fi

When Indigo’s parents go missing she discovers they experimented on her as a baby and the resulting new mental abilities they’ve kept secret all these years will be the key to rescuing them, if she can just figure out how to use them.


I loved Max, but there were few things I hated more than cleaning his litterbox. I stood several feet away, using my mind to open the waste bin and rake through the gravel. It spilled less if I scooped it by hand, but with mindbending I didn’t have to actually touch anything.

«I want you to know I’m cleaning the cat box,» I called up to Mom, using mindspeak to make sure she heard clearly. There was no response, but that didn’t surprise me; like most adults, Mom couldn’t broadcast far. «Unasked.» I was hoping to get out of doing the dishes tonight so my best friend Raji and I could go see a cheap Tuesday movie.

Max sat and watched, head cocked, as the scoop moved by itself through the air. As soon as I was done and had put the lid back on the bin I bent down to gather him up in my arms; he hated it when I picked him up with ‘bending. He went limp, starting to purr.

“The things I do for you,” I said. He closed his eyes contentedly.

When I came up the stairs Mom was standing at the kitchen sink, staring blankly out the window, worry creasing her brow. I paused, frowning. “Mom?”

She shook her head, composing her face as she turned, and smiled to me. “Thanks for cleaning the litterbox, Indigo.”

Max started to squirm and I set him down distractedly. It took a lot to worry Mom. “What’s wrong?”


  1. Creepy tagline with the parents experimenting on her as a baby. That just gets me all riled up. -good one.
    I like the mundaneness of cleaning the cat litter box (boy, do I know how she feels) mixed with the mind power and that the aging folk loose the ability to broadcast far. I would read on. Good luck!

  2. The tagline - I love it except it is a bit of a run-on. Suggest period after "baby." That will give the first sentence even more of a wallop. Too many "them"s. The second one also refers to her parents, not her powers.

    Ha! That was me laughing when reading your first line. However, I suggest you move your second paragraph down into fourth place. The two powers came too fast on each other. Let the reader get used to the first before springing the second one.

    Otherwise, I'd rather be shown how the mc "distractedly" sets down the cat rather than just have the adverb.

    Nice work! I really enjoyed your entry.

  3. Your tagline is interesting but I stumbled over the wording. There are a lot of crazy tenses and voices. Try to keep it more simple.

    And I liked your first 250 words, but her mind bending is a little strange (in a good way!). I would first introduce your readers to Indigo's character a little more before throwing this strange piece of information at them. Because it's a lot to wrap your head around immediately. I'd also be careful with adverb use.

    Good luck!

  4. I was really confused by your tagline, so it didn't inspire me to read on. Try to clean it up a little, cut out the run-on sentence structure, and pinpoint the key elements of your story.

  5. Thank you for everyone's feedback so far! The tagline seems to be the biggest issue; I think I was confused about what was expected and was trying to create a single-sentence pitch (I've seen some really great short-and-sweet hook lines in this contest which are very different). I obviously can't change this entry, but all the comments will be useful for the future.

    Good luck to everyone!

  6. I really enjoyed the tagline, but I did think the immediate use of her powers was a little jarring to start with without any back-story. Good luck! =)