Monday, September 10, 2012

Entry #9

Name: Aldrea Alien
Book Title: Dragon
Genre: Fantasy

TAGLINE: Maay has lived her whole life wrongly believing she is human. Now she's caught in a war between dragons and may just be their last hope.

1st 250 WORDS:

Maay hummed as she worked the old loom, the dull clack of wood a lullaby to her ears. Sunlight blazed into the solarium, its normally stifling heat cooled every so often by a gust coming through the open windows.  She cocked her head to the sound of footsteps echoing from down the hall. Men. It had to be, for their boots hit the stone with such a 
racket and the occasional, punctuating clink of metal.

Frowning at the woven threads before her, she idly looped another through the strands. It sounded like guards. What would they be doing here? Not many men came into this quarter of the castle, mostly servants with their soft shoes and irritating habits of blending into the background.

She glanced over her shoulder, perusing the room. Her gaze settled on the plants that separated the solarium from the other rooms and screened the bulk of the sunlight from those entering. The green leaves bobbed in the breeze. Bright, inviting and absent of extra shadows.

Yes, she was still alone. Figures. The first time she wanted a servant nearby and there were none around. That was why she'd chosen this section of the castle.

Perhaps she was imagining things. Why earlier, Maay could have sworn she'd heard the mighty whump of wings overhead. Although she’d hurried to the window and risked falling as she leant out to see, nothing untoward had caught her eye. She could seek out answers. Someone would know.


  1. Good to see you made it in, Aldrea!

    I went through a period of dragon-fandom growing up and have a soft spot for the creatures in fiction. I'd love to figure out a unique way to write about them. From your tagline I'm getting the impression that she's a dragon in human form, but I'd kind of like to know if that's true and why she's the last hope in the war.

    I really liked how perceptive Maay is and how you use her recognition of the characteristics of the footsteps to identify who's approaching. You do a good job establishing the setting and situation with in-scene/character action and description.

    It's well-written; my only comment is on the paragraph describing the solarium and plants - I wasn't quite sure which side of the plants she was on relative to the men in the hallway, or why the plants were significant. Is she planning to hide behind them?

  2. Nice job setting the story up as a show don't tell. I immediately have a good picture of her surroundings and an inkling of Maay's character.

    Your tagline: I suggest you drop the word "wrongly" and work into the second sentence that she is a dragon, or whatever (you don't actually say). Also, if there are more than two dragons in this war, you need to use "among" rather than "between."

    More grammar fussiness: "habits" should be singular.

    I found the third paragraph confusing. If those extra shadows have some special meaning, I wouldn't mind a wee bit more of a hint. What is Maay's emotional state when looking for them?

    Why does Maay want a servant? It may be implied, but I'm unclear.

    It seems like Maay is using weaving to calm herself - if so, the loom itself and the action of weaving could use more description. Wool, silk, linen? How does it feel running between her fingers? Is the loom large? horizontal? How many shuttles are there? Is she working with many colors or few? All this would tell a lot about her social status, skill level, etc. You don't need all these details, just a few to paint a brighter picture.

    I think it would be stronger if you show the incident with the wings. Seems awfully important to leave as is. Maybe work in right after this opening scene?

    Good luck!

  3. Yeah, this is my first attempt at taglines. Though I fear I may sink into logline territory if I haven't already.
    Perhaps ... "Maay has lived her whole life believing she's human. Now, told she is in fact a dragon, she's thrown into a war between the two factions, a war where one side has her as their last chance before extinction." ... is better, I dunno.

    And I could kick myself for not noticing the S at the end of habits. -_-

  4. Your new tagline makes Maay sound passive. I'm having troubles with mine too. I try to stuff in way too much information. I'll take a crack at yours for practice:

    Maay lived her whole life believing she's human. As two dragon species go to war, one faces extinction - unless Maay forsakes her family and claims her dragon powers.

    I don't know if the stakes are right for your story, but it would be good to have them in there somewhere.

    Don't worry about the "s." I just had someone point out TWO grammatical errors on my first page. It's so difficult to see your own mistakes.

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  6. Why is it that every time I try to back up, blogger reposts my comment? Gah!