Monday, September 10, 2012

Entry #16


Name: Karen lee Hallam
Title: AbeGale Force
Genre: upper MG
Tagline: Abegale's turning thirteen, and life has become as foreboding as the number itself, filled with may-not-be-human landladies, a missing grandmother who could be right under her nose, and a horrifying discovery at an abandoned cottage.


1st 250 Words:

It’s not as if I want to keep secrets from my best friend, and I sure don’t want to meet her new landlady—privately, or at all, with the way she stares at me. Mrs. Egremony doesn’t even stop, when I catch her doing it.

But I have to speak with her before Stephanie gets home, and find out what she meant saying my “grandmother Rose is near, but far.” Yeah—far, she disappeared in the Andes three years ago—that’s pretty far.

I better hurry.

The Maiden Villas sit at the highest peak of Pine Crest, hiding under the shadow of trees. Why Mrs. Egremony named them Villas, when they’re more like shacks, is a little weird. Three years ago, they were Donald’s Cliff Cabins.

I sometimes imagine Mrs. Egremony up there in her nest of twisting vines, waiting for some unwilling creatures…

Ridiculous. She’s just an old woman -- I know, but there’s something not right. Like the way she dresses in those Little House on the Prairie skirts dragging along the ground, and wearing a full body apron. And why she call herself Mrs. when she’s not married? Stephanie tells me she sees her sometimes, working in her garden late at night. Creepy, if you ask me. Now Mrs. Egremony tells me she knew my grandmother, and said I should come first thing this morning, alone, which is why I’m racing over.

I have to stand on my pedals to reach the top of Ridge Road, heaving like a billy goat, and swaying side-to-side, when the black mass of what I later realize is a crow, swoops in front of me--CAW!

12 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Didn't think I was allowed to comment , but see others doing it--haha. I only wrote here previously that the genre is mystery adventure, but may be more magical realism.

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  2. I like this start to what sounds like an interesting story. Two suggestions, break up the tagline as it runs a bit together right now. Also, rewrite the first line of the story, I get a little lost, instead of hooked, between the best friend and the landlady.

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    1. BTW--i took your suggestion -a very good one to:
      "...I sure don’t want to meet her new landlady—privately, or at all, with the way Mrs. Egremony stares at me. She doesn’t even stop, when I catch her doing it."

      Much better! Thanks Mike!

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  3. Well done Karen! I love the "little house on the prairie" line. I can totally picture the batty old woman. Why would this crazy lady want to see Abegale. Alone? I'm intrigued!

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  4. Love "heaving like a billy goat" line! Premise is intriguing... and creepy!

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  5. Tagline-she has multiple landladies? everything else is singular, so it would read smoother if just one, but obviously if Mrs. Egremony has a sister or something. It popped out to me, that's why I'm mentioning it. Otherwise I thought you had a great tagline!

    Nice 1st page. You have me curious

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    1. Thanks Robin--It actually is only one landlady, so misleading, very bad girl I am. I'm recreating anotherr tagline, but i do like this one. I think it's great for MG--if i tighten it up.

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  6. I love the premise. It sounds so intriguing. Your tagline could use a little tightening up, but I love the voice in your first page. I would definitely keep reading!

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    1. Thank you Wendy. I'm over with some of the #pitmad folks working the heck out of my taggy baby. :)

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