AUTHOR'S NAME: Hong Tran
TITLE OF MANUSCRIPT: Lau Dai La
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
TAGLINE: When she discovers that dark magicians are searching for a magic crossbow to conquer Earth, Linh must locate it before they do, risking her life to stop them from putting everyone she loves in danger.
First 250 words:
Linh sighed in the hallway, her arms folded. She became bored of doing homework after school, so bored that she sat on the bottom step of the staircase and fiddled with the phoenix talisman around her neck. Suddenly, strange sounds came from the living room.
Eeek! Eeek!
“Mom, are you already home?”
No response. Of course, her mother was at work.
They were probably mice. No surprise there. She’d grown used to hearing those horrible little rodents scuttling inside the clogged drainpipes at school. Likely they’d come out because of her house’s currently clogged drain.
Then she heard thumps within the wall. These couldn’t be mice—unless their tiny feet had grown overnight. She tiptoed toward the sound and tried to pinpoint its source.
One minute. Three. The sounds had stopped.
Stepping toward the large window, she pulled away the long, velvet curtains. She gasped. A narrow door stood beneath the window. Linh couldn’t believe her eyes. There'd been no door there before, ever. Or had there? Why would she never have noticed, right beside the back door?
She bent down and placed a trembling hand on the rough doorknob. She hesitated for a moment. If she felt danger on the other side, she could return home quickly. With a hard squeeze of her heart, she opened the mystery door and walked through it.
A sun beamed down on a colorful, spacious backyard—so unlike a gray, summer day in Dublin. Linh blinked: she wasn’t daydreaming.
I like the premise of this a lot, it drew me in wondering what was going to be beyond the door. One suggestion would be where you write "Or had there?" That didn't seem very believable to me..I'd think she probably would have noticed it, and that may make your readers doubt the authenticity or doubt your MC a bit.
ReplyDeleteI like how you contrast the colorful, spacious yard and the gray, summer day in Dublin. (Nice insert of letting us know setting btw.)
Good job!
This sounds awesome. The title caught me immediately. One thing that might help your tagline - I had to read the very last sentence a couple of times. If you could reword it a little it might pack more of a punch.
ReplyDeleteI loved the first page. Very good!
Is she doing her homework in the hallway? It kind of sounds like it.
ReplyDeleteVery cool! I love the opening the door and entering another world. :) I would read on.