Name: Ella Schwartz
Title: TEMPLE FALLS
Genre: MG Fantasy
Tagline:
Nara, a fourteen year old banished princess, must work with her
nemesis, a mere commoner, to decipher the mysterious clues from the
Gods and end the plagues battering the kingdom.
First 250 Words:
Nara pushed her way through the soup of darkness. Her shoes clicked
against the marble pathway towards the royal palace. Blackness covered
her like a thick cloak, weighing her down; even though it was only
lunch time. The absence of daylight still gave Nara the creeps. It had
been like this for three weeks.
But she knew how to fix it.
And she would tell her stupid cousin, even though he hardly deserved
it. Anything was better than living under a dark cloud all day, every
day.
It was strange coming to the palace without her maidens and royal
guardsmen. But now that Nara and her mom were no longer palace
residents, the entourage was gone.
The guardsman at the palace gate, a fellow by the name of Warner who
Nara had known since birth, bowed his head slightly as he pushed open
the heavy iron gate letting Nara inside.
“Good day, Lady Nara,” he pronounced.
Nara with a dismissive flick of her wrist said, “Day? Is that what
this is? I can’t tell anymore.”
The oppressive darkness covering the kingdom of Chernadova indeed made
it hard to tell day from night. For three weeks, since the death of
Nara’s father, it was as if the Gods decided it would be a good idea
to cover the kingdom with a large, dirty, dishrag. And every day the
dishrag grew dirtier.
“Yes, my Lady. It certainly is a strange phenomenon.” Warner paused
for a moment, shuffling his feet before continuing.
Great tagline. It tells me a lot in a few words. The mystery and the set up and voice are great on this first 250 words. Very nice work! And I have to find out why there is darkness everywhere--why?? ;)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know more about the nemesis. Why would a commoner be a nemesis to a banished princess? Really enjoyed the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteGreat tagline and opening!
ReplyDeleteUnless I missed this or it'll be revealed later, I'd like to know how Nara could fix the absence of daylight, especially since she couldn't tell whether it was day or night?
Lucky CP weighing in- I've gotten to read this and it's a great story!!!
ReplyDelete"The guardsman at the palace gate, a fellow by the name of Warner who
ReplyDeleteNara had known since birth, bowed his head slightly as he pushed open
the heavy iron gate letting Nara inside."
I don't know why, but I LOVE this sentence. It's a simple detail that makes the story feel very real to me. Great job :)
Very interesting premise! Your tagline was great, but I think if you tighten it up a bit it will pack more of a punch. The first page rocked - way to go!
ReplyDelete