Name: Sharon K Mayhew
Title:NOT A HOLIDAY
Genre: Mid Grade Historical Fiction
Tagline: Think World War Two
meet the Boxcar Children.
1st 250 Words:
London
August 1, 1941
“But I don’t want to carry a gas
mask around with me all the time,” I said.
“It’s not a choice, Joyce, you have
to. Everyone has to, from grandparents
all the way down to babies,” Mummy said.
I flung my gas mask over my
shoulder, pulled out a kitchen chair, and plopped down.
“Well, I don’t think it’s fair that
the war is coming to England,” I said. “That Mister Hitler is a real rotter!”
“I think everyone in the world
would agree with you on that, Love,” Mummy said. “You need to show Gina that it is all right
and not fuss in front of her about carrying your mask. Imagine how grateful you will be to have it, if
something horrible happens.”
“I know how to make it less scary
for Gina,” I said. “I could make Dolly a
little gas mask box.”
“That’s a wonderful idea!” Mummy
said. “Perhaps you can be making it that
while I am getting the house ready in case the air raids start.”
I found a matchbox, sticky tape, and some
string in the odds and ends drawer. I
quickly made Dolly’s gas mask box.
Gina came in the kitchen carrying
Dolly.
“Look what I made for Dolly,” I
said. I held up the tiny gas mask box.
“Oh, that’s perfect!” Gina
exclaimed. “Now Dolly will be safe too.”
Gina slipped the gas mask box over
Dolly’s shoulder.
“What are you doing Mummy?” Gina
asked.
Nice opening, I'm pulled right into the scene and anticipating what will happen next. Good Luck!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I would have this line be your opening line: I flung my gas mask over my shoulder, pulled out a kitchen chair, and plopped down. But that's my only critique. I loved how smooth the writing is.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nicole. I think it would be a great start to open with that line, and then just change the next line a bit so it flows a little more smoothly with the adjustment by just getting rid of the "Well". Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe tagline was great (albeit with a typo, should be "meets"). I definitely want to know what happens next. And while I didn't think it when I read it, I agree with Nicole and Jodie re: the opening line.
ReplyDeleteGrr.. I just noticed that my comment published as unknown, I'm sorry. I'm Judy Mintz.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nicole. I think that is probably the best place to open the action. But the story immediately tugged at my heart. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI'm always leery of floating dialogue, so taking some of the suggestions above might be a good idea. I liked that you SHOWed us what was happening, and rather well. Also, saving the cat right there in the beginning making the little gas mask box for her little sister, so that even though she was complaining to mom we know she's a good girl.
ReplyDeleteI would read more.
I'm #8 btw:)
The tagline didn't really do it for me. Okay, we're pairing up a well-known premise with a well-known time period, but I wanted more. See if you can tell your story with your tagline, not just use comparisons.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with others, start with "I flung my gas mask over my shoulder, pulled out a kitchen chair, and plopped down."
Thanks everyone! I changed the first line to the action instead of the dialogue. Thanks for the advice on the tagline too.
ReplyDelete