Monday, September 10, 2012

Entry #18

Name: Stacey Hays
Title: GRIM
Genre: YA Paranormal crossover Speculative Fiction
Tagline: Seventeen-year-old Derek Weber must travel to the underworld and find the culprits responsible for hijacking his shipment of souls before war is raged on the reaping world. Too bad sixteen-year-old Kansas is caught in the cross fire.

First 250 words:

I yelled from across the massive bonfire when I sent a perfectly elevated pig skin, spiraling through the air. It’s caught by Tallahassee’s most talented wide receiver and he is wobbling from an alcoholic stupor. Still, with hardly any effort at all, he caught the football and tucked it underneath his arm like a natural, born to play football while being drunk.

“Touchdown! Tallahassee wins their fourth consecutive state championship, beating out the Miami City Purples! Haaaaaaaa, haaaaaaa. And the crowds go wild. Derek the D-Man Weber makes another touchdown pass to the crazy, unforgettable, most magnificent best friend ever, Travis Dean Bird!” Travis ran around the huge fire, between the wild Raiders fans, red solo cup in hand, reliving the last three hours of our football success.

“Untouchable, unforgettable, number one ranked team in the nation. No one can beat us, and no team can defeat us!” His massive receiving hands tore off the raider flag attached to the tailgate of his truck and he waved it passionately through the air wrapping it around himself like Caesar.

My lungs convulsed, I laughed while my best friend chugged the remnants of his cup and continued running around the student body, screaming football quotes like an idiot. His screaming antics died out and the only real noise left is the crackling fire in which I purposefully place myself next to, alongside the other drunken high-schooler’s who felt socially obligated to attend.


  1. You might try reworking the first tagline sentence. Maybe start with someone hijacking Derek Weber's shipment of souls as the inciting incident then move to the traveling to the underworld part.

  2. I found the tagline confusing with two characters Derek Weber and Kansas. If Derek Weber is the MC, it's best to focus the tagline on him and remove the sentence "Too bad sixteen-year-old Kansas is caught in the cross fire."

    I also found "reaping world" unclear. What reaping world? Earth?

    I like how the first 250 words gives a glimpse into Derek's world before his travel to the underworld.

  3. I agree with Hong. I found the first part of the tagline great. But the minute you introduced the second character it fell flat for me. I don't think you need to mention the second character. As long as the stakes are there, one character does the trick!

    The first 250 is well written, but not being a football fan (I actually abhor football - please don't judge me) I kind of tuned out. This has nothing to do with the writing or voice. It's So I'm going to have to recuse myself from commenting :)

  4. Your tagline is confusing. Who is your main character? Derek? Kansas? Keep the reference to only one character, their journey through the book.

  5. I love this - (Especially the football reference)
    I think your tagline would flow more smoothly if you cut out their ages. We can find out how old they are in the story but I don't think we need to know in the tagline.

    I loved your first page. The only thing that drew me out of the story a bit was in the last paragraph, you use scream in two consecutive sentences. Maybe one could be swapped for a different word?