Name: Leslie Hauser
Title: HOPE IN BLOOM
Genre: YA Contemporary
Tagline: Desperate for hope, eighteen-year-old Mallory decides playing the lottery is the ticket to erasing the misery surrounding her as her senior year unravels, but it’s not a jackpot win that changes her life.
First 250:
I should have worn the emerald green shirt, the one with the rainbow embroidery along the neckline. I'm convinced that magic lived in every thread. It’s the shirt my boyfriend Ben told me I was wearing the day he fell in love with me. I'd also worn it the day I found out I’d finallymade the varsity cheerleading squad and the day I’d gotten my first ‘A’ on a pre-calculus test. That shirt gave me confidence, something I lacked at times. And I really wished that I had worn it to the party that night.
We arrived at Kyle’s house, and my giant smile led us up the stone walkway toward the front door. Sara, Taylor, and Nicole trailed behind me, gossiping about something, but I wasn’t interested in my friends’ conversation. My heart somersaulted in anticipation of seeing Ben. He left for college a month ago, and I missed him. A lot. I missed that fresh-from-the-dryer smell of the sweatshirt he always let me wear. And the taste and feel of his soft lips when he kissed me at the end of our dates. And most of all, I missed his smile, that special treasure that could always melt away my troubles. He was home that weekend for the end-of-summer party, and we’d be reunited after four long weeks.
I'd break the tagline into a few sentences. It was difficult to parse. Also, the beginning has to grab so I'd cut the sweater to one sentence. Avoid cliches like "heart somersaulted."
ReplyDeleteSorry, that comment above is me, Judy Mintz.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree the tagline could be cut up into a couple of sentences. I almost got lost running through it the first time. Good information is in the tagline, just break it up to let things sink in.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any specific suggestions, but I would like the second paragraph better if you could incorporate the feeling of impending doom which justifies the need for her lucky shirt in the 1st paragraph.
I didn't have a problem with the tagline being one sentence - it's a tagline singular, not taglines plural. Maybe it would help to attach the "as her senior year unravels" to the end of "Desperate for hope"? I did find the end bit of it a little vague, but I guess you're trying not to spoil the twist by revealing too much.
ReplyDeleteIn your opening lines I thought "and my giant smile led us up the stone walkway toward the front door" felt a bit awkward (makes it sound like her giant smile is a dog or something). I can relate to that superstition about a lucky shirt - I was totally like that as a teen (still can be, sometimes).
Hi Leslie
ReplyDeleteJust stopping by to say hello!
I love your tagline! Very good! Oh, I also love the changes you made to your first paragraph. You cut a lot of the description out that you had there before. This version is so much more streamlined. I love it.
But then again, I love your whole story. Good luck!!!
Laurie (#13)
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and the MC is very sweet and believable.
Here a few minor things: The tagline could be more gripping. Misery, life changes ... all that sounds too vague for me, you tagline would work for a lot of books. Show us what's unique about yours.
I don't think you need the sentence "And I really wished that I had worn it to the party that night" at the end of paragraph one. You've already very well established that with your first line.
I'm not a grammar pro, but I think it should read "He HAD left for college a month ago ..." Or am I wrong?
I would go with only one - either giant smile or my heart somersaulted - I feel both is too much.
But all these are just small things! Overall I really like it!
P.S. one more nitpicking: You're missing a space her: "I'd finallymade it ... " :-)
Good luck, Anya #1
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and the MC is very sweet and believable.
Here a few minor things: The tagline could be more gripping. Misery, life changes ... all that sounds too vague for me, you tagline would work for a lot of books. Show us what's unique about yours.
I don't think you need the sentence "And I really wished that I had worn it to the party that night" at the end of paragraph one. You've already very well established that with your first line.
I'm not a grammar pro, but I think it should read "He HAD left for college a month ago ..." Or am I wrong?
I would go with only one - either giant smile or my heart somersaulted - I feel both is too much.
But all these are just small things! Overall I really like it!
P.S. one more nitpicking: You're missing a space her: "I'd finallymade it ... " :-)
Good luck, Anya #1
I, too, would cut up the tagline. It's difficult to read, so it takes a second go-through to parse it all. I like the overall feel of the piece, however. Try to cut out the over-used words and bump up some of the descriptive wording.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you open. I can totally relate to thinking I have a magical article of clothing. I have a shirt that I'm sure always lands me a job if I wear it during an interview (even though I know that's *probably* not true...)
ReplyDeleteI agree if you cut up the tagline and make it a bit more specific (what makes her life miserable?) then it could be more gripping but otherwise it's an interesting story thus far.
I really like the tagline, but I think you could cut this part because it is way too vague: "Desperate for hope" . . .
ReplyDeleteIn my personal taste, I like when a beginning does less explaining upfront and gets more into the moment. I think the emerald shirt inner dialogue could work well maybe around page three, but right now I don't know enough about your characters to have your excerpt really hook me. Still, your MC has a sweet voice, and I am very curious about what happens because of your tagline!
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI agree that the tagline is slightly cumbersome, although I'm very intrigued by the premise. I do like the phrases you use in the tagline -- the ticket and the jackpot -- all lottery-related.
I'd also like to be more "in the moment" or "in scene" right away. There's already a lot of backstory going on in the first paragraph. I like that you've introduced the idea of the magic sweater, and maybe you can hint at why it's important to her without giving too much away. A slow reveal will keep the reader interested.
Again, to be more "in scene," I think it would be beneficial to give us bits of dialogue - the narrator isn't interested but by her reactions to the dialogue of her friends, we'll also learn more about her and you'll be able to avoid the data dump that way as well.
There are a lot of characters introduced in the first two paragraphs: the narrator, Ben, Kyle, Sara, Taylor, Nicole. That's a lot of people to keep track of.
I can only imagine that what she finds when she walks through that door will NOT be good. :) Again, great premise, and good luck! And thanks for your comment.