Monday, September 10, 2012

Entry #22

Name:  Ashley Keene

Title: Alex Daily: Sometimes Superhero

Genre: 
Middle Grade Adventure
Tagline:  New superpower every morning. 9:00 bedtime every night.

First 250 words: 

The day before getting his first superpower, Alex Daily found himself climbing to the top of his stepdad’s forbidden twelve-foot ladder. The sun-soaked metal burned his fingers and the cardboard box under his arm kept catching beneath each rung and throwing him off balance. He’d be grounded for life if Mom or Walter caught him climbing this ladder. The worst part? He didn’t even want to climb it.

Melanie watched from below, a half-smile tugging at the corner of her tiny mouth. He was afraid of heights and of breaking rules, but he was most afraid of being called a wimp by a girl. Melanie was a tomboy but she still counted as a girl, and her half-smile (which threatened to open wide and start calling him names) was the only thing that kept him climbing.

When he got to the final rung he set the box on the little shelf at the top.

"Okay, Melanie, you ready?" Alex asked. He wanted to get it over with.

“No!” she said. “You have to go to the tip-top.”

"The box is on there. Besides, it’s made for paint cans and tools."

"Not that part, stupid. Look! You’ve still got a step to go."

Melanie was right, as usual, but she couldn’t see the sticker that covered the top rung. "NOT A STEP!" the red letters warned. There were pictures of stick figure men falling to horrible stick figure deaths.

17 comments:

  1. Ha! I love your tagline. It's short, sweet, and intrigues me.

    The structure of the first line of your excerpt makes me pause. "getting his super power" is passive to begin with, but the gerund threw me a little. Maybe switch to "The day before Alex Daily found his superpower, . . ."

    There are quite a few gerunds in this, and I don't know if a middle schooler would be able to so aptly point out a half-smile, but other that those issues I loved the voice and I'm still pulled in. Good job!

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    1. Thanks for the feedback :) I'm glad you were pulled in!

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  2. I don't typically look at MG, but your tag line sucked me in and the first sentence paid off. I like his voice. The narration seems to go in and out of his style to something older sounding so watch out for that.

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    1. I'm glad you made that comment about the first sentence. I'd been workshopping it a bit and liked where I landed, and appreciate you pointing out that you liked it, in particular :)

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  3. I LOVED your tagline...and I respectfully disagree with the others. i absolutely loved your voice. I loved his sense of humor, and the intelligence that came through. I think the style and language sounded spot on for a youngish middle school kid (if that's how old he is), since I have a daughter that age and she'd definitely talk like this. Anyway...loved it and I'd definitely read it (even though I'm not usually into MG).

    Nicely done!

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    1. I'm glad to hear that this would suck you in, even as a non-MG reader. Thanks so much for sharing your opinions!

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  4. ACK! I didn't capitalize "I". *hangs head in shame*

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  5. LOVE...there's a build up with those mischievous two, something's about to happen.
    I enjoy the endearing, old time, or timeless feeling to the narrator. Oh, I dream of a day I can make a short snappy tagline like this. Good Work!

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  6. Tagline: Snappy. Right to the point. Outstanding!

    Your voice is great. I think you capture the spirit of a MG boy (afraid to be called a wimp by a girl! Love it!). And even though I was hoping to see what super power Alex would have, the dialogue was so snappy that I didn't really care that we didn't get to the power in the 1st 250. Nice opening!

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    1. Well..... the power doesn't show up until Chapter 3. I know! I know! It's a horrendously long wait when you're yearning for it to come. But he's got a bit of family drama to experience first, before plunging into the world of a superhero. :) Thanks for the comment!

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  7. Tagline is perfect!! I can just see it on a movie poster:) Really great voice throughout and lots of beautiful writing! My favorite: "Melanie was a tomboy but she still counted as a girl, and her half-smile (which threatened to open wide and start calling him names) was the only thing that kept him climbing."

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    1. And as a tomboy, I didn't like when the boys thought of me as a girl ;) Thanks for the comment, Jennifer!

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    2. I agree, that may have been my favorite line as well! I want to read this book!

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  8. I love this premise and I love this voice. I'm interested to see how he goes through all these changes on a daily basis. Great job!

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  9. Super cute tagline! I loved his voice, and as the mom of four little boys, I can definitely hear "getting called a wimp by a girl" getting spoken in this house. Great job!

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  10. This sucked me in...and I don't read or write MG, so great job! I especially liked the line, "stick figure men falling to horrible stick figure deaths." haha

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